Bachelor S3 #1 – Did someone say…anal glands?!!

Yes, yes they did. Unfortunately, multiple times. And so it begins!

ISP network engineers across Australia took the night off as 850k people decided to stop streaming OITNB in 4k res to go old school FTA TV. Which led to the first shock of the night – COMMERCIALS WE COULDN’T SKIP. Unexpectedly, Extra appears major sponsor. Given Gillette’s past “totally natural product placements” I look forward to some gum chewing during the finale.

Slow motion swimming near the ocean. Hand gliding through hair. Patting a dog. A mansion filled with more candles than a Dusk shop. Someone talking about his package in the opening 5mins. Yes, The Bachelor is BACK.

So much crazy to cover, so little time, so buckle up! Here’s our opening form guide:

* Sam, our Bach. Relieved to discover unlike past seasons, this one has more personality than his 2D cardboard cut-out… yet thankfully we can still wash our smalls on his washboard abs

* Bec – outraged to discover that unlike the Rotto bakery in peak season, you don’t have to take a number and wait your turn. Yes, people can interrupt your ‘alone time’

* Ebru – announced she will be his Turkish Delight, but she might be in for a Rocky Road (BOOM :P)

* Emily – whilst reminding us of the stick insect from A Bug’s Life, could in fact be a dark horse

* Heather – dudes, she possibly stumbled onto the wrong show, or perhaps is this year’s unicorn (right mix of crazy/hot on the 2×2 matrix). Scored the white rose so gets to pick when they go on a He-Man / Barbie date to the dulcet sounds of Barry White

* Jacinda – possibly has a stalker wall at home filled with polaroids of behinds. Let it slip she wants to throw him in her boot. Don’t let this one near the knives in the house

* Jasmin – to quote Taryn, the girl who flashed her cha cha whilst doing the cha cha! She’s already burning with love for him, literally, her dress got too close to a candle

* Joni – looks like she sashayed in from the 80s set of Dallas with her power hair. Declared they were all hyenas, topical given we all know last year’s finale was in the elephant graveyard from The Lion King

* Krystal – here to fill the Krysta/Crystal/Kristal name quota, doesn’t know how to drink or hold beer

* Laura – wonder if she realises when she said her talk of ‘dog anal glands’ was ‘verbal diarrhoea’ it was the PUN OF THE YEAR

* Madeleine – was she even there? Haha

* Nina – the wedding planner, will she be the bride? Yet to unleash her inner crazy

* Rachel – the Freudian balloon artist who appears to sneak a pash in upcoming episodes – stay tuned

* Reshael – loves all, yet almost had a throwdown with the resident cray cray on night 1!

* Sandra – producer’s dream!! We have our new Amber-level crazy – apparently she wasn’t drunk! They clearly will not let Sam kick this one out till the end #ratings

* Sarah – likes busting out a bit of downward dog on the lawn, wearing a wedding dress. Early contender, she scored the first red rose.

* Snezana – forgot to ask his name, but was quick to point out hers rhymes with parmigiana – now we know!

* Tessa – swapped her ball gown for Bob the Builder attire, this lumberjack may ‘fell’ his heart!

And the first losers in the Hunger Games of love were:

* Jessica – managed to sink the boot in that she wasn’t as “old” as the other girls before being given the boot

* Zilda – this Stifler’s Mum impersonator turned out not to be as legendary as Zelda, but it was good to see a cougar got a crack this year.

Osher’s hair, the candles and the crazy all returns tonight!


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