Charisse Nicolle

We start with Sam declaring “I’m here to be doing backflips for the rest of my life” – poor chap has evidently mistaken this whole process for a Cirque du Soleil audition.

Just like a crazy night out in Northbridge, everyone keeps saying they are looking for “Connections”. With Aus Post cutbacks, the postie forgets to visit the mansion as “no envelope arrives”, leaving the girls to vote amongst themselves for who will go on the next date.

Chaos ensues as Heather declares she “did not sign up for this!” as everyone knows all free will is relinquished the moment you join a harem! Jacinda shows her deep intellect by telling the room “I know who I picked”. Existentialism.

Sandra almost scores the most votes as some people mistook it for Big Brother and thought they were voting someone out of the house. But Madeleine gains the pity votes as everyone is still reeling that she has never seen Daniel Craig in swimming trunks or a peroxided Javier Bardem aka – a Bond film.

First date setting is a rowboat on an idyllic river where Madeleine thinks she is Pocahontas in “a canoe” – someone pass me a bucket and it ain’t sea sickness… Ironically, it then starts to bucket down, and Madeleine fears she may now become Kung Fu Panda-eyes as she forgot to use waterproof mascara. She doesn’t understand the concept of a picnic, as she refuses to touch any of the food (“eating in front of him is too embarrassing”), but also has a drinking problem (“red wine will stain my optically whitened teeth”) which defeats Sam’s attempts to drown his sorrows in something other than the river.

Second date is with our ol’ pal Schnitzel Parmigiana Snazzyana and we find out her name means ‘Snow White’. They go on a hot air balloon ride, before he surprises her with a vineyard he built with his bare hands. Luckily for Snow White, it is not an apple orchard. Scores the first kiss of the series!

The rose ceremony is a 1920s theme, where Sandra proves what a massive ‘flapper’ she is once again :P. In a harsh but fair call, after failing in the 1-1 date, Madeleine Kung Fu Panda-Eyes is shown the door!

Tonight: Heather invokes her superhero date power. Sources have sent me her website (http://heathermaltman.com/biography/) which proves she has mastered the skill of the single teardrop: