Happy Friday! I’m no cricket aficionado, but let’s just say there were no ducks to be found on The Bachelor last night, and only 2 got out !
We open with Heather deciding to invoke her white rose power and surprise Sam with a date. Literally – by the look on his face when he opened the front door, he was either caught getting up to no good with one of the producers *wink wink*, or he thought she was doorknocking for Scientology.
Heather has gone slightly overboard on the hipster look, she’s “casually designer slashed” her jeans so much they are basically just seams and a few threads. She whisks Sam off to a costume shop, and just like in the movies, gets a park right out the front. I need to bring a camera crew to Woolies as this never happens for me.
Heather decided exercising together will be a fun start cos she is wearing a subliminal tank top that reads Running Makes Me Hot. She has also clearly borrowed Rachel’s Janome and whipped up some superhero costumes. Yes, yes, he is called BachMan and H Bomb tells Sam she “can’t wait to see him in action” *wink wink* in the pit of jelly she has set up for wrestling in (honestly, you could not make this stuff up!!).
Heather cooks him dinner whilst giving new meaning to the word shorts, and we can tell by the orchestral music playing she will be final four peeps. Plus Sam actually seems like a nice guy.
Cut to group date at the beach and Power Hair Joan-i Collins is freaking out because she once had to be rescued from a washing machine by The Hoff (long story, just go with it).
Laura is back and gets her one chance to redeem herself in a 1-1 chat with Sam, so naturally she decides to talk about her ‘pet’ subject… ANAL GLANDS. Sam looks like he wants a child to bury him in sand up to his neck and Laura admits she has a problem and may need to go to Anal Glands Anonymous. We don’t need Osher to tell us she is OUT !
Sandra tells the camera she wants to bring out her personality MORE – and people run screaming from the beach faster than you can say Mick Fanning.
Joan-i Collins may want to consider her career as a motivational speaker. I think her Power Hair may in fact be her battery backup as she is clearly a Fembot robot. Since she’s been in the surf it’s looking a bit flat so she desperately reminds Sam that “I did look amazing last night!”. Her speech motivates Sam to want to go spend more time with Sandra.
Cocktail party SCANDAL! Sam whisks Schnitzel White off for a quick chat in the garden, before kissing her goodbye in front of EVERYBODY. This is not My Harem Rules, he can’t just break the polygamy code of honour!!! Chaos ensues as the women suddenly realise – they are ALL DATING THE SAME MAN.
Laura is booted to the doghouse and as Joni leaves she tells us that like the English cricket team, she is a great catch (BOOM :P).
Next week THIS HAPPENS AND I CAN’T WAIT: