We open with Sam clearly contemplating a back up career on Aerobics Oz Style for Ch10. Cos unlike Idol, being on The Bach doesn’t guarantee you a spot on Neighbours, no matter how often you swap hair tips with Andrew G. But then we pan to a series of bizarre harnesses he’s casually rigged up in his garden … and once again I think he may actually be hoping for a part in the next 50 Shades film. Seriously, who works out whilst tied to a tree by their feet?!
In the words of Monty Python, No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, just as this season no one expects Osher Gunsberg, popping up randomly with date cards when the girls least expect it. At this rate, I’m secretly hoping one day his head will pop out of the laundry hamper next time someone goes to wash their smalls.
Sam decides that living in a harem with 9 sister wives on national TV is not humiliating enough for these girls, so he concocts a nefarious plan to give 3 of them the worst date ever to see who can cope with a spanner being thrown in the works. But it all backfires and he ends up being the only one to look like a tool.
Eh-bro, Jacinda and Bali Bec are chosen to each unwittingly endure a set of taxing challenges known as Groundhog Date. Bali Bec lands a backhand to rival McEnroe when she declares to Jacinda she is so happy for her as Sam will finally get to see she has a personality.
Sam is shocked to find that women can change tyres. Someone better not tell him we can vote too as it will BLOW HIS MIND! Next they go jet boating so Sam can ensure they don’t freak out about becoming the next Kung-Fu Panda ala Madeleine. I feel like Maybelline waterproof mascara has missed a golden sponsorship opportunity this year.
The fun continues as a waitress with better acting skills than Heather pretends to hit on Sam whilst serving them crickets, chicken feet and – wait for it – duck chins. These girls must be feeling seriously short changed given last year’s harem got an Adriano Zumbo dessert, but Heston’s still tied up filming the never ending Masterchef finale episode.
When the girls find out they were all set up for his own amusement – you guessed it, CHAOS ENSUES! Bali Bec #can’tevendeal – first Sam forgets their Bintang Fling and now this – but then Sam tells her she’s “really attractive” and boom, her faith in humanity is immediately restored.
Sam again tells us he’s looking for “much more than just a friend” – Sam, we get it, you’re just on here to find someone hot. Jacinda stands up for womankind and tells him where he can stick his rose.
Osher tells the other girls that just like Paul Keating’s recession, this was the conversation Australia “had to have”. Sam flees to the doghouse with his tail between his legs.
NEXT WEEK: Hold onto your straw hat Kim, it’s BARN DANCING ! 😝