Osher starts us off by revealing his role as host on The Bachelor is basically the prac component of his anthropology doctorate. Something to do with how blind dates should actually involve blindfolds:
This show is becoming more 50 Shades by the week! For group date they all get locked in a room together to try eat dinner in the dark. Chaos and much banshee screeching ensues as the wine gets knocked all over Eh-Bro and the prawn crackers go flying. Rachel clearly is having schoolies flashbacks as she suggests they just drink the wine straight from the bottle. Meanwhile under the cover of darkness new villain Lana the Golfer takes full advantage of Sam not realising she is just a snobby non-Avril Lavigne version of Heather and plies him with oysters and 2 minute noodles.
Eh-bro is not impressed and tells us so whilst dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow for no apparent reason:
Lana scores some alone time with Sam and she shows up on brand wearing a very RGB (255,130,0) dress. Never fear, trusty Dusk have swung by and adorned the room with all their end of season clearance candles stock. Lana is deep like a river – she says “we tend to fall for people who are just like us” which is a clever subliminal way of saying “I love myself”. Their chemistry is electrifying, so much so they better be careful with all those candles sitting around them. She must have a touch of the David Copperfield about her as her eyes hypnotise him and the thought crosses my mind that perhaps THE LAST 2MTHS HAVE ALL BEEN A WASTE OF TIME and they may as well give her the ring now!
But then we cut to Heather on her single date. Sam has gone all out, arriving in a Mr Whippie van, and Heather gets even more excited than we all did when one showed up at Corporate Day 2013. He takes her on an Alice in Wonderland chocolate date that makes Schnitty’s Death Star in Jelly dessert pale in comparison!
They spend the evening telling each other how into each other they are. I nod off at one point from boredom and wake up to find they are STILL talking about how into each other they are, dude.
Cocktail party time and the intruders declare they are going to go all Will Smith and Boom boom shake the room. Sam declares he’s here to fall in love, there will be tears, just deal with it biatches.
Lana gets the first rose and her façade slips enough to give us an evil laugh that would make Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget proud. It then comes down to poor ol’ Eh-bro vs THE FRINGE aka Claudia Schiffer Brains (sound it out phonetically, you’ll get it :P) aka Rachel the Intruder. And it’s back to Westpac for Eh-bro!
Next week – Sam walks out!
Charisse Nicolle 