Bachelor S3 Ep#11 – It’s a balls up

We start by learning the girls are missing Eh-bro, basically because she used to do all the cooking and loved to start her day by chowing down on bananas.

For the group date Sam gets to showcase what he does for a living – kids sports. (Personally I’m feeling cheated that past Bachelors never got to showcase what they did for a living ie. – stripping). Sam the Kid Whisperer has organised a sports clinic for a group of kids and wants the ladies to take turns coaching various sports. Sarah emphatically declares, she is not good with balls. Her words, not mine.

Rachel aka The Walking Fringe tells us she was basically the Thorpie of her school and used to win every single event, even the glamour sport SHOTPUT. Before she was lured to the bright lights of… air hostessing and food blogging. Unfortunately she’s not good with kids as her idea of coaching is to just yell, Oi you (clearly, she worked for Qantas).

Despite excelling at pretending to fall over every time a child goes near her aka “rugby coaching”, Nina does not win the single date and back at the house both of her Two Faces erupt in tears. She thinks Sam doesn’t know her well enough. Sweetheart, after that 4mins stunt on the bridge safe to say he knows your tonsils very well and he ain’t coming back for seconds (literally, she’s not had a second date).

New villain Lana the Golfer swoops in to win the date and all the others think that is really under par (boom! :P). Sam has organised parasailing and asks has she done it before, thinking he’s so imaginative – and OMG this girl is GOOD – she tosses her hair nonchalantly and tells him, been there, done that in Bali (a bit like Sam and Bec).

Honestly, if Sam makes one more comment about her amazing eyes – she’s not Puss in Boots for freak’s sake!


Sam is pulling out all the stops to impress her, he’s even hired the poor man’s Ed Sheeran (Jamie someone or other) who stands so awkwardly in the corner serenading them with his one hit, probably on repeat. Sam even drops the L word!! What?! Where is Schnitty Cent these days?!! This guy has the attention span of a gnat!

But it’s not enough as Lana can speak Spanish, lived in Mexico and her favourite place is ICELAND. Evidently Reykjavik is where she learnt how to be such an ice queen – no kisses for Sam! She again slips in her favourite “likes to sound intelligent” quote about “we love people like ourselves” which is just her posh way of saying she “loves herself”.

Finally there is intruder tension in the house and the psycho music is playing to full effect in the background. It’s almost like that time the Rains of Castamere played on GoT and we all know WHAT HAPPENED NEXT (except for my mate Kim, who’s only up to Season 2). The sound guys really should win a Logie for Best Score this year. Lana sashays in with her rose, bats her big eyes and asks what did you guys get up to today whilst locked in this house? Sam steps in right before Nina is about to go all Red Wedding. Rachel tells us she has a 3rd eye and I can’t wait for her to turn into a crow like Bran.

We randomly cut to Heather talking and it appears she fell asleep in a nest of raccoons and/or is auditioning for a role on The Real Housewives of Davey Crockett?!?


Rose ceremony is high drama. Sam’s been listening to too much Jess Mauboy as he asks Can I Get a Moment? Honestly how Sarah, Nina and Rachel can stand there with no dignity whilst he umms and ahhs is beyond me!

Osher has completed his anthropology doctorate and is now doing his master in psychology so Sam turns to him as guidance counselor. Even though Osher is off in some other room not even paying attention?!

Sam has only JUST realised this is NOT Pokemon and he can’t catch ‘em all and someone has to leave! Rose maths is not his strong point as he solves the problem by pulling an extra rose from nowhere and giving ALL of the girls roses.

What a fizzer, he’s breaking all the reality show laws of physics!! This ain’t Waldecks Sam, roses don’t just grow on trees you know – GET IT TOGETHER TONIGHT.

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