Bachelor S3 Ep#14 – More bloodbath than a Lannister shindig

Finally, we have the obligatory shot of The Bachelor shaving whilst shirtless in front of the mirror – this signals we have reached the pointy end of the series, hometown dates! But I am confused by the strange way Sam is putting on aftershave like it’s perfume … the whole rubbing your wrists together is meant for a bit of J’adore not some Lynx boom-chicka-wow-wow ?!! Seriously do any guys do that?!

First trip is to Heather’s home town of Brisvegas. Forget Robert Redford, here is where we meet Warwick the true Horse Whisperer. Possibly the most intense man on the planet, he tells us horses are the best judges of character. Sam makes the mistake of a) wearing his red pants and b) lifting up the wire to help him through the fence, and speaking from experience I can tell you these are both things you only do for girls unless – barbed wire is involved.

They go back to Warwick’s place and as a Tassie boy, home of the forests, I’m not sure how Sam feels about the entire house and every visible surface inside being made entirely of wood (which is even Sam’s ancestral name for pete’s sake). Our old pal Power Hair Joni coulda taken a leaf out of Warwick’s motivational speech book – he tells us a comfort zone is a prison built for ourselves. The man is the Dr Phil of horses.

Sam mentions he is ‘not making decisions with his head’ and Heather is still doing time in the friend zone and NOOOOOOOOOO WE ALL REALISE HOW THIS EP IS GOING TO END BUT WE CAN’T LOOK AWAY!

We cut to Lana, who is awaiting Sam in what looks to be the set of Stephen King’s The Mist. She claims she brought Sam here for the “great view” but we all know we’re secretly hoping she gets dragged away by the zombie apocalypse after STEALING HEATHER’S MAN.


Lana’s mother asks how dare he live in a state OUTSIDE OF NSW. Sam actually admits in past relationships he only ever thought about himself, but that’s all changed now he’s had his eyes opened to a harem lifestyle. If you are playing a drinking game involving use of the word ‘journey’ btw, current count is about 12. Lana carries on like a 15yo telling her family ‘don’t embarrass meeeee’ and we realise she really is the poor man’s Heather. She warns her mother not to take Sam into the cellar and we all immediately want to know WHAT IS IN THE CELLAR?! Is it where you keep your bear skins before making them into jolly hats, Lana?

Cross to Sarah’s home visit and of course, they are eating wine and CHEESE and I think dark horse Sarah may have this in the bag! Her mother leads Sam into the garden and there is a close up of her closing the menacing gate as the music turns really sinister and I get the feeling SAM MAY NOT MAKE IT OUT ALIVE. Forget Logies, honestly the sound guys deserve an Emmy for Best Score this year! Meanwhile Sam is still hoping to score and when Sarah’s mother asks what type of animal he’d be he says Labrador. Because as Lana has demonstrated, he will follow any new shiny thing. Squirrel!

‘Journey’ count up to 28 and Sam has nervously adjusted his hair ~36 times.

Next up is Snazzy Schnitzel and her side salad, daughter Eve, who is just the cutest. Schnitty accidentally lets slip he’s here for a ‘big, fat, European wedding’ and Sam says hold the phone sista, I still have some harem days left to cash out. He makes the rookie error of telling Eve he’d rate her mother a ‘9.4 out of 10’ – dude this is not the time to be a realist, everyone knows you just go straight to saying 10 out of 10 !!

Dabbling in the Waldecks arts continues to pay off as Sam is giving every mother a huge bouquet of randomly arranged flowers. Schnitty’s Macedonian family is very protective and there is not one glimpse of CHEESE on their table. Her brother takes Sam outside for a grilling. Sam admits he has ‘no plans’ and we note once again he has no socks either.

Rose ceremony time! Everyone is blinged up. I almost don’t recognise villain Lana with her hair parted in the middle not ‘all on the side’. Sam has gone all out, borrowing Osher’s Ron Burgundy suit:


This time Dusk and Spotlight appear to have taken a leaf out of the Beauty & the Beast book and I’m hoping that candelabra which looks exactly like Lumiere will burst into a bit of Be Our Guest at any moment.

But instead, the Red Wedding music is back because we know he is about to MASSACRE HEATHER’S HEART.

He tells Heather how amazing she is but all his decisions come from a place in his body that is not his head or his heart but something further down. SAM IS OFFICIALLY NOW A BASTARD JUST LIKE ON SEASONS 1&2!!!

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