Okay peeps, let’s wrap this baby up!
Spoiler alert: He chooses the Schnitzel Parmigiana with side salad Eve!
Osher, has taken his new burgundy obsession too far and appears to be wearing a jacket made entirely of felt, that just makes me want to pin my To Do List on him:
We then interrupt Sam whilst he is clearly doing a photo shoot for Hugh Grant’s “Horse n Hound” magazine. Rolling fields, ponies, and a fence that even I could scale in one leap with an unnecessary ladder built into it. I have also discovered the second pic below is, no joke, his Twitter photo.
Climbing this ladder looks challenging, I better limber up then have a rest halfway
It’s time for the final 2 to meet his family. After wowing us with wardrobe choices all season, Schnitzel rocks up in a frock that can only be described as a beach umbrella that has been let down and tied together with a jacket that resembles a glitzy tote bag. Sam tries to be a fashionista by asking his sister where she got her new jacket and when she says Vinnies we all immediately love her.
Next Lana shows up wearing what is clearly a tablecloth she swiped on the way in and didn’t have time to put on straight:
The family is lovely but the star is the younger brother, who has clearly been forced to be there and can’t even be bothered stringing a sentence together – when the producers prompt him to speak he just manages one word – “Lovely”.
Lana’s date is first. In keeping with her animal skins theme she appears to be wearing a ferret round her neck. Sam arrives by chopper and is fulfilling his Maverick fantasies by wearing an aviator jacket. But we all know he would be Goose, right? “Someone always has to be the Goose wingman”.
He then reenacts The Notebook taking Lana in a rowboat and I FINALLY figure out who she reminds me of with “the eyes” – it’s Ralph from The Simpsons!!
We can see the writing on the pond as Sam sits as far away from her as physically possible in a wooden vessel:
Then he manages to navigate them into a swamp:
They finish the date with smores and all I can think is please no more as they go on and on AND ON about each other. Spotlight has managed to hang some fancy lanterns in the trees though.
Next up he arrives to pick up Schnitty in a red vintage sports car, channeling his inner Biggles – wearing pleather driving gloves and a jaunty scarf!! Only thing missing is the goggles. He takes her to… YOU GUESSED IT – a picnic with cheese and honestly I think Hyde Park is about the only place he’s ever going to take this girl on future dates. Hasn’t he SEEN how much food her family likes to eat?! This picnic nonsense has TO STOP!
They finish the night with a roll in the hay – literally, on a couch made entirely of hay bales. Spotlight have OUTDONE THEMSELVES and you can expect the new ‘rustic romps’ homeware collection in store soon no doubt.
Schnitty declares her love and in response we hear crickets. Which must have hitched a ride in on the hay bales.
It’s decision time. There isn’t an ocean in sight so Sam has to recharge his hair in the nearby pool instead. Once again he shaves, and I’m gutted that no one is chewing Extra gum and that they just had to put up with one of the Losers from last season plugging their product during the ads. Naturally we have to wait until sunset in order to show off the Dusk candles / Spotlight petals investment though.
And they DON’T DISAPPOINT PEOPLE !!! Check out Sam poolside with his soul mate I mean Osher, standing in a RING OF LANTERNS! No elephant graveyard this year.
Clearly they are all staying at this location but Nissan does a quick pretend and drives them in a lap round the house to look like the girls ‘just arrived’ on the driveway. Movie magic, people.
Lana is first to arrive and we all know that means she’s lost. Sam tells her “she is the perfect girl”, and her eyes look like they are about to pop out of her head… then finishes the sentence with a but so big that Sir Mix-a-Lot would be proud – “BUT just not for me”. After which her eyes lose all sense of bat radar and she wanders off into a bunch of trees never to be seen again.
And then the fairy tale becomes complete = ‘Snow White’ / Schnitzel / Schnitty / Snazzy Sutlana / Parmigiana GETS HER MAN. And he rewards her with what everyone is calling the Burger Ring, that not even Gollum would want to steal:
Congrats to all the sweepstake winners, only one thing left to ask: Will you accept this Rose?!
Never fear – yes there will be a Bachelorette Sweepstake!!! The show kicks off next week.
For some reason Sammy Frost only gets 14 guys to choose from… not 21 (because #genderequality ?!) Check out the form guide! http://tenplay.com.au/channel-ten/the-bachelorette/bachelors-s1