We open with the guys lounging around the kitchen, apparently oblivious to the fact Davey is wearing a Panama Hat for no good reason.
Sh*t gets real again with Dave the Plumber who tells us love is like a set of car keys, when searching you can never find, when not looking it is on the kitchen bench. Perhaps that is where I’m going wrong as Mr Muscle power scrub is the only man on my kitchen bench.
Dave scores the first date – a day at the SCG attempting to bat against the Sydney 6ers fast bowler.
Sam asks about his box, and Dave tell us he has 11 and she ticks them all. Sparks are flying with the plumber as they share dinner on the lawn and he sneaks a quick kiss.
Unlike the coy girls on Bachelor, when Dave goes back to the house he IMMEDIATELY does a kiss ‘n tell brag to all the guys. I have a feeling this show will become someone’s fascinating anthropological gender differences thesis.
Then it’s off on a cliff diving group date where Osher in a stripey number tells 8 guys they get to ‘prove their love for Sam’ by jumping off a massive rock face into murky water. Model David Hansel starts freaking and claims he’s never worn a wetsuit (as apparently, he only models knitted beanies). So he romantically tells Sam he’ll just imagine she’s in the river drowning… RUN NOW, SAM, RUN.
Drew looks more freaked out than a parent at a 1-D concert and just can’t bring himself to jump, which is totally fine as he can really rock a topknot. He scores the date at what appears to be The Bachelor Mansion as it would look after a Planet of the Apes style apocalypse:
Drew was the one who reminded us Owl You Need is Love, the guy is a hoot. (Strap in peeps, there will be plenty more owl puns to come :P).
Cross to the cocktail party, or as I now like to call it, the Sausage Fest, where we appear to have stumbled onto the set of The Godfather, as the guys sip cognac and talk about how no one better ‘disrespect the code’ or that golden horse’s head will end up in their bed.
“I wear a signet ring for each man who broke The Code and was sent to swim with the fishes”
Michael (who going by news reports, it seems when he said was a ‘professional’ player of The World Game, thought they meant Monopoly). He starts telling Sam his game plan for snaring her into a family and just when I think he’s about to pull out a whiteboard to draw his on-field strategy, in walks David Hansel. SCANDAL – HE HAS BROKEN THE CODE. He tells Sam she’s just looking for a rich baby daddy, and she tells him he can leave, but producers need a rose ceremony so the drama gets dragged out until Osher has finished combing his hair.
Rose ceremony time, and Osher now appears to walk shoulders first, a clear sign You’re in my hood now. Naturally David is not picked, and his confused model brain causes him to do a catwalk swivel to make sure it’s true. Osher tells him to leave and just when we think he’s walking off in disgust he gives David what is hands down, the BEST OVER THE SHOULDER SASS FACE I’VE EVER SEEN:
“You KNOW what you did, David”
Naturally it has its own meme now:
David tells Sam he’s happier than a Macca’s meal to leave, but then practically has to be forcibly removed as he can’t stop telling Sam she’s over-reacting.
The evening ends with a group hug in the mansion and a lonely Hansel driving off hoping to find his Zoolander.