The Bachelorette S1 Ep#3 – It takes 2 to tango

In walks Osher wearing salmon pink pants and I immediately know we’re in for a good show.

Sasha appears to be the acting consigliere and has gathered the heads of the 10 families in the lounge room to resolve the ‘disrespecting the code’ dispute, to ensure they don’t need to ‘go to the mattresses’ once again. It is decided all who drink from the manly cup of Earl Grey will agree to the Bro Code and it shall henceforth not be spoken of again.

Sasha scores the single date with ‘right foot forward’ clue, but the guys like to reference everything back to sport so they call it the one-on-one date (I’m guessing the group date will be called the full-court press) and immediately think it’s about car racing.  Nope – it’s tango dancing! Sasha goes full Johnny Castle, suddenly whipping off his shirt to reveal a black sleeveless tee he just happened to be wearing. I suspect he is a closet Dirty Dancing fan.

Something we’ve all wanted to know since he first arrived – can Sasha sashay?!

No. The dance is so excruciatingly awkward to watch I suspect Sam wishes he’d just put her in a corner. Sash spends the rest of the date overthinking whether to kiss Sam or not, that he misses his chance!

Cut to the mansion where we’ve time warped to the 90s. The guys are evidently sponsored by the Just Jeans hooded denim vest collection:

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Found: The lost 1991 New Kids on the Block album cover
Forget NKOTB – Will is unsuccessfully trying to be early Ashton Kutcher:

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One question: WHY?!!

They guess the full-court press (aka group date) clue is about racing. It’s not – it’s about posing shirtless with stray dogs. Because South Cape forgot to sponsor this season and we need to make up the CHEESE quota somehow! Sam chooses dogs to match each of their personalities and luckily no one got a shih tzu 😛

Michael wins best poser of the day, clearly thanks to all his practice posing as a supposedly “pro” soccer player. He scores the one-on-one time in a barn where Spotlight have conveniently scattered some cushions with horses on them, evidently part of their new polo range. I think for a second we’ve switched to fancy indoor heaters but no – candles are back! Perfect in a wooden barn. Michael manages to be even more dull than watching a match of actual soccer (sorry lads, but it’s true).

Cocktail party time, or as I like to call it, sausage fest.

Meanwhile in the Cluedo mansion, Professor Plum is in the billiards room with the stuffed bird, suitcase table and model boats (the only way this room could get any more hipster is if it moved to a Perth laneway and started ironically selling $20 drinks):

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Kayne again mistakes himself for Kanye and busts a rap he has composed about Sam.

To Sam’s face.

This really happened.

Except it’s less rap, more bad haiku, and the only thing that could save it would be some interpretive dance, which is sadly lacking. He would never get a job on the Woolies social media team rapping about spaghetti, put it that way. But 10pts for trying!

Sam flees with Sash to the garden where he continues to overthink and just when I’m worried he’ll bust out a full soliloquy entitled To Kiss or Not to Kiss, Sam puts Australia out of its collective misery by taking charge, telling him to just shut up and kiss her! So they do. And again. And again. Okay please stop now. STOP. MAKE IT STOP.

(Can I just point out the one time Sam Wood pecked Schnitzel at a cocktail party there was a HUGE SCANDAL?! Clearly the Bro Code has different rules).

Osher brings back his burgundy suit in time for it to be Owl Over (boom! :P) for Drew, Keeper of Owls, Rocker of Topknots.

Tonight – Alex the Englishman turns into a bald eagle – it’s aerobatics time!


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