The Bachelorette S1 Ep#5 – Egg Timers of Doom say stick a fork in it, it’s done

This week the AFR has taught us that Alex works as an M&A expert for PWC. Which gives him an added advantage when it comes to acquiring Sam’s heart plus he could be the only contender who knows how to merge lanes properly. He’s a double threat.

Sam takes Davey and Tony on the good ‘Ol Double Date of Doom – just like Karate Kid, 2 men enter, 1 man leave.

Turns out Tony our airline steward struggles to construct a sentence without using the words ‘secure your tray table in the upright position’ or ‘chicken or fish?’ After the conversation he tries to make with Sam I want to throw myself overboard, and we don’t need Spotlight’s 4 oversized egg timers in the background to tell us TIME’S UP TONY:


Yep, he is sent to swim with the fishes in this amazing piece of cinematic juxtapositioning that would make Martin Scorsese proud:

Goodbye Scarecrow, goodbye!
Davey scores the corsage and pulls the ol’ “crazy blonde meets Prince Harry” trick by trying to turn a cheek peck into a kiss. But Sam doesn’t have Harry’s SAS reflexes and looks well unimpressed with his prank.

Group date is my worst nightmare – a party for 30 screaming children. Osher tries to look like the family guy in his Armani-gan:


They each have to set up a party station. Sasha as we know is an arts n crafts expert. Michael says he doesn’t want to be predictable and choose the soccer set but we know it’s really because it would reveal his skills are probably actually on par with the kids – he chooses his other skill storytelling because as we know he has a great imagination and loves telling porky pies about that time he played for the Socceroos 😉

Richie is high on helium squealing ‘cool bananas!’ whilst David has invented a poor man’s version of Never Smile at the Crocodile called Shark Island and is wondering why his Joker-like face paint is scaring away small children.

SOMEHOW Michael wins the date (my money was on Richie Bananas). Sam cooks him dinner – which as every single gal knows is a ham n cheese toastie so hats off to you Sam. I can’t focus on what they are saying as I am distracted by how amazing looking that toastie machine is and thinking how many mid-week dinners I could make on that bad boy.

Sam makes him her own mix tape of fun facts cards but I keep focusing on all the glitter still in Michael’s hair from the kids party catching the light from the Dusk candles floating in the bowl. Sam cashes in her kiss voucher and we get an orchestral score to rival John Williams. Gosh I hope these sound guys win a Logie.

Micahel pops on his dressing gown coat (this is what happens when you do man-igan wrong) and returns to the cocktail party with a corsage.

Sasha gives the post game analysis of the week in his blue velvet suit. Richie is nervous, Plumber Dave has had a sh*t week, but we all know Kayne’s time has ‘rapped’ up! 😝

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