In the words of Lisa Simpson – the dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the creamy middles. That’s right – it’s time for the wrap up of The Bachelorette!!
Osher has dusted off his best ever wardrobe choice for the opener – that’s right, his red pants are back. Standing atop a windy cliff face, speaking to a chopper, he tells us Ch10 has finally spent some cash and sent them all to the home of love and long white clouds – New Zealand. It’s become The Betch-ela-rutt!
Sam reminds us, in case we missed it the first 2,387,921 times – that she has HAD HER HEART BROKEN and DOESN’T WANT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T LOVE HER BACK. They need to keep reminding us of this every 46 secs – hence this episode is 1.5hrs long not 1hr.
Michael the Pretender is the first to meet Sam’s family and we immediately love her sister – like the rest of Australia, she has seen right through his smooth exterior. She says he’s very salesman like – which is uncanny as well all know he is actually a real estate agent who sometimes kicks a soccer ball. This sister should work for A Current Affair, as I reckon she could sniff out a dodgy car repairer at 20 paces.
The sister takes him outside for a grilling in the herb garden by the cheese platter. Of course, half his shirt button are undone and his collar is popped. Michael existentially tells the sister that he “knows who he is to his core”. Which is slightly concerning, as he seems to think he’s Harry Kewell.
Now it’s Sasha’s turn to meet the family. Big sis asks him if he’s on the show for love or just to build his profile. Like a champ Sasha points out the only thing he’s looking to build is houses, as he’s a construction manager. The guy doesn’t even use Facebook (– but he is on Instagram. We know, we found him :P)
Then we cut to the dream dates. Sam takes Michael white water rafting with the River Rats, an apt name as that is exactly what they look like at the end of it. They finish the day in a thermal springs spa and just when I thought he couldn’t make me cringe anymore Michael mentions he’s “a bath guy” because OF COURSE HE IS. As we know from The Bachelor, spa action is where the runners up think they are going to win / get led on by all the pashing. Danger signs, Michael.
For those playing along at home – “amazing” count is at 53.
Pan pipes tell us it’s Sasha’s turn for dream date. They embark on a yacht adventure that keeps making me think of the movie Dead Calm and I’m expecting Nicole Kidman to pop up at any moment. Sam actually asks “Where’s my cheese platter?” as we are all missing the ol’ South Cape BUT then they arrive on a lawn area and SHUT THE FRONT GATE – our old pals Spotlight have evidently now opened a NZ franchise!! Check out how many lanterns they’ve hung in this here tree:
Their date finishes at the Pullman Hotel – which is so ironic I #cantevendeal giving the whole point of this show is for Sam to pull a man.
It’s decision time. Never trust a man who wears a bowtie and a rose gold watch and Michael has both. Sam has finally seen that Michael is not the man for her – when he arrives she tells him a bunch of lovely things and then finishes with BUT… and that’s it. Sir Mix-a-Lot would be so proud of the enormity of that But. The shark tank date was a sign Michael is now … you guessed it .. swimming with the fishes!
He’s left to womble back up the enormous hill that probably leads to Mordor, dodging hobbits along the way. Either that or Julie Andrews is about to pop out and sing a bit of Do, a Deer, a Female Deer because those hills look alive to me:
Which means our main man wins – tie a yellow Sash around the old oak tree! Which Osher tweeted once fell down in a huge storm and then grew again, which is meant to be some symbolic metaphor for Blake Garvey being an old stump.
Last year: The elephant graveyard from The Lion King. Bad sign.
This year: The Shire from Lord of the Rings. Good sign
Until next time peeps, it’s been grand 🙂