1 – This is the first episode post cocktail party aka the one where we have no idea who is who now that they aren’t wearing 10 layers of Maybelline and their nether regions are actually covered up.
2 – WHY ARE THEY SHOWING HER SINGING AGAIN?!! Haven’t we and any dogs in 5 mile radius suffered enough?!
3 – Osher is wearing a Fitbit. Which tells us just how many steps away from civilisation this “Tuscan Villa” really is.
4 – Also btw, where did he get that shirt? It’s not long sleeve, not short sleeve, it’s elbow sleeve. Though judging by the patterns on the drapes this year the set dressers are possibly colour blind.
5 – Megan, the 90s called and wants its denim overalls back.
6 – Have no idea who the chick opening the envelope even is. Was she there last night? Is she one of the groundskeepers?
7 – Seriously none of these girls look the same in the harsh light of reality.
8 – Except Olena Humpalot – we’d know those goggly eyes anywhere.
9 – Bingle’s not happy.
10- Honestly I have a feeling their baggage limits were really small to accommodate the villa *cough* Italian for smaller house in the middle of nowhere *cough* as it appears they all have barely any fabric to wear.
11 – Except for Mount Eliza, who managed to squeeze in her clown themed PJs.
12 – OMG the Russian just spoke and I’m so happy she didn’t get rose poisoning from eating especially given they were coated in glitter.
13 – Actually it looks like they have restrained Bingle into something from Dotti’s new summery straight jacket collection:
14 – Actually with all this off the shoulder and glittery kaftan looks going on, it’s like they’ve already acclimatised to the fact they are in fact a harem #selfaware.
15 – Helicopter is flying in and Nikki says, “Do you think he’s in there?” – Who else would it be? The postie?
16 – Sure the neighbours whose rooftops we can see are just THRILLED.
17 – As a real estate agent, Nikki really knows how to show off her assets to potential buyers #lostafewbuttons.
18 – Yep the Villa is officially so far away from Sydney they need to chopper in.
19 – Richie talks about taking choppers out to the rigs. Now he’s in a chopper with a rig.
20 “Awesome” word count for those drinking gaming along is at 23.
21 – Nikki’s impersonation of Richie’s voice makes him sound like an Irish garden gnome?
22 – He’s a Tom Price lad!!!
23 – Richie just actually used crikey in a sentence non-ironically. Love it.
24 – Why do women squealing en masse go up 10 octaves? Groooouuppp Daaaattteee!
25 – Oh my non-Russian Bond girl Ontop is still there! Channeling her inner Sharipova it seems!
26 – I’m definitely sure this Mia snuck into the house today whilst pretending to trim the hedges.
27 – Nikki from Northam is a “total beach babe” which is quite an accomplishment given Northam is nowhere near the freaking coast.
28 – She doesn’t look all that heartbroken about dumping her last guy TBH…
29 – Richie appears to be defying all the laws of physics by rowing UPHILL?!!
30 – The unfortunate placement of a flesh colored strip on the top of Richie’s board shorts keeps making me think his pants are pulled down.
31 – “Awesome” count at 45.
32 – Northam Nikki is straight in for it !!
33 – Wow she doesn’t even try to hide the rose haha – she is def going to spill the beans about pashing him.
34 – Yep, she straight out told ’em!
35 – Bingle is starting to genuinely scare me. Especially as she’s trying to bring chokers back. Don’t even get me started on the leather jacket and short shorts look. Dude, are you feeling hot or cold, make your mind up?! She also has a smile like the Joker.
36 – Woman’s Day Editor-in-Chief looks like she’d rather be anywhere else. Perhaps the Woman’s Day test kitchen. Who wouldn’t want to be there whipping up some dinosaur shaped birthday cakes?
37 – Kiki has whipped out the Janome and turned the leopard print rug off the floor into a “bathing outfit”.
38 – Faith says she is feeling a little nervous. So would I if my hair was looking like that:
39 – Russia psyching out Bingle is the best thing ever.
40 – Eliza doing the Paso Doble is like a bullfighter on acid.
41 – Richie’s jacket looks suspiciously like pleather to me. I’ve never seen a cow that shines that brightly before.
42 – Leopard bathers lady points out there is only 1 Richie and many of them – in case you didn’t notice that before.
43 – Richie arriving on the bike and pretending to slick back his hair is adorably awkward. And that jacket looks like real leather this time.
44 – Olena Humpalot tells us she’s scared of dating. So she signed up for a harem.
45 – Bingle is like that skank at a party who just won’t stop trying to make it all about her. And yes she really does look like Charming from Shrek.
46 – Scatter cushions are this year’s make out couch.
47 – Sheesh nothing like going straight for the personal questions Humpalot!
48 – Why do you need such a big log pile when you are in the middle of a forest?
49 – Richie’s house is way nicer than the Tuscan Villa – with a selection of Spotlight lamps to match every mood:
50 – Awwwww Richie is wearing Rotto bathers!!! WA represent!! And proof he picked his own wardrobe. Add 10 bonus points. Even if it looks like he has Nest written on his buns.
51 – Humpalot says the gift dress is “actually really beautiful” like she’d been bracing herself to ask for the receipt.
52 – Richie has clearly been working on his elocution – he’s not the same gibbering cool banana this season. He’s actually really well spoken!
53 – Cocktail party time and clearly someone felt Eliza needed to be restrained:
54 – Whilst Nikki needed to be unrestrained…?! Seriously I know Northam is inland but is fabric by the metre more expensive than oil there?!!
55 – Also JLo called and wants her 2000 Grammy Awards look back.
56 – That couch in the private balcony with Alex looks really uncomfortable. No matter how many scatter cushions.
57 – For the record, you don’t “round up” cows. I’m calling “country girl” BS…pardon the pun 😛
58 – ONE EYED WEST COAST SUPPORTER?!! Alas, we could never be, Richie. #foreverfreo.
59 – I just noticed Gwen Stefani appears to have snuck in.
60 – Bingle’s earrings get longer and longer the more she talks. It’s like the bitchy version of Pinnochio.
61 – Sounds like Alex’s “gap year” was quite adventurous.
62 – “Crikey” count up to 8.
63 – Bingle is obviously a producer’s plant. Possibly poison ivy.
64 – Gwen Stefani and the one who reminds me of a giraffe are out.
65 – OMG coming up soon is bubble soccer and FLOWER CROWNS!!! Until next time peeps.
Charisse Nicolle 