Undie Tucks at 20 paces – it’s The Bachelor Ep #5

1 – I just have to acknowledge the stirling work of the ABS this week. Note to self, announcing on TV that your site is “unhackable” is equivalent to putting up a neon sign “Hackers come at me”.

2 – Also never have the letters DoS been used so much since Gatesy told us back in the day “256Kb is all the storage anyone could possibly ever need”. This will be lost on anyone under 25.

3 – And if A Current Affair taught us anything this week, it’s that there is a “supermarket sizing scandal” and that Keira Bingle is apparently very well accustomed to harem life, having 63 siblings ‘n all that… 

4 – On with the show! Like most of us, these women look completely unrecognisable in the cold light of a breakfast table, except for Olena Humpalot. How anyone can look that supermodel before their Coco Pops are even soggy is frankly amazing.

5 – Same can’t be said for our ol’ pal the wallpaper. Although now I think about it, it definitely has an Arabian harem kinda vibe feel to it.

6 – I also think Spotlight intentionally hung those red chiffon drapes to launch its new Harem at Home decor range.

7 – Note that Faith has seemingly had time to straighten her hair, go full makeup and jewellery, and whiten her teeth to shinier than a stormtrooper, yet forgot to change into actual clothes. She knows Victoria’s Secret.

8 – Who wears a sleep mask in the kitchen? Special K aka Kiki, that’s who.

9 – Meanwhile cuckoo clock Eliza is rocking long sleeve thermals and officially just doesn’t give a f#$%$ – power to you sista.

10 – Okay I admit I tried out the Dyson hairdryer in Myer the other day and can I just point out it is $699? I could buy my own wind machine for that and double use it to make Beyoncé style video clips on my weekends.

11 – OMG the other girls coming out to say goodbye still in their night attire whilst Alex has clearly had an hour getting ready with Dyson is just a cringeworthy set up.

12 – Richie really loves his denim shirts doesn’t he?

13 – I see the harem look is now spreading to the choice of dresses.

14 – Richie is experiencing what it’s like when a woman tries on every single dress in the store. And trying to look interested haha.

15 – Umm, when did “undie tuck” become a technical term fashion thing and not just what you accidentally do coming out of the toilet?!

16 – And Richie has clearly spent too much time in Melbs – loafers with no socks.

17 – Hang on – 10 minutes in and……. NO CHOKERS!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT THE FRONT GATE, HOLD THE DOOR. I’d invented a choker themed drinking game and everything!

18 – Okay – denim shirts are the new choker.

19 – Are they really not showing Offspring tonight? It’s not like anyone is watching the dressage…

20 – Serioulsy, when ARE the swimming finals on?!! SOMEONE TELL ME.

21 – Ad break over. They arrive at a HOTEL and Alex says she “can’t imagine what they will possibly be doing” – well love, Pretty Woman springs to mind…

22 – Oh, it’s high tea haha.

23 – Is Richie trying to grow a mo?

24 – This talk is so boring all I can think about is how I could smash a few of those red cupcakes.

25 – Pokemon Dusk got to the hotel first #gottacatchemall

26 – Oh dear, it’s the annual awkward dance in front of the busker date.

27 – Am I alone in never having heard of Alan Stone?!

28 – Someone throw me in that pool now before I vomit.

29 – Did Alex decide, screw the Undie Tuck, I’m going to just chop the front of the dress off with scissors?

30 – AND HELLO, KISS ORCHESTRA! We’ve not heard your melodic styling a since your Logie level efforts last year! This means she is in with a chance.

31 – Gosh they are eating each other’s faces really aren’t they? “Goodness gracious” indeed.

32 – At least he didn’t say “nice” after it.

33 – I really wish we’d seen the Bingle rose moment last week. Would love to have seen the producers clearly giving it to her haha.

34 – Alex is now MORE invested? She was already a Stage 5 Clinger! This has trainwreck written all over it.

35 – OMG IT’S IKEA CATALOGUE TIME!!!!!!!!!! Polish your letterboxes in anticipation peeps.

36 – Hahaha I frickin love Noni B’s attitude – screaming babies = “this is the worst way to wake up”.

37 – Didn’t recognise Nikki with actual clothing on.

38 – Russia in her kimono & slippers is everything.

39 – Oh no, Alex seeing Richie with a fake baby is going to explode to Stage 10 Clinger.

40 – Where did they stow the babies, in the boot?! Oh no, they have actual car seats. 

41 – Noni B is dressed like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin and it’s awesome haha.

42 – Please tell me he’s not going to pick a winner based on who does the best with the babies. Because that’s accelerating feminism a decade behind the 1950’s wallpaper.

43 – How can they drink champagne when they are “breastfeeding”?

44 – The way Russia manages that baby is hysterically tough love. Someone make sure she doesn’t feed it a rose.

45 – Kiki think she’s got it in the bag but no it’s Nikki.

46 – Kiki’s constantly glammed up style just keeps reminding me of Sofia Vergara meets Eva Mendes.

47 – Nikki has no idea what he’s saying, she’s just looking at his mouth.

48 – FYI I did the New Idea maths, and Nikki started dating her ex fiancé when she was 15…and he was 22. #justsayin

49 – Did she just ASK if she could kiss him?

50 – PokeRichie really is all about #gottapashthemall don’t you think?

51 – Did she just Eskimo nose kiss him?! I know it gets frickin’ cold in the Wheatbelt – but not sure how she learnt that tactic at the Northam Boulevard…

52 – EVERYONE RELAX, Alex IS BRINGING THE CHOKER BACK! Drinking game back on. 

53 – Cuckoo and Goth Georgia are my tips to go tonight.

54 – Haha and now we reach the annual moment when someone realises they are in a harem and The Bachelor KISSES OTHER PEOPLE.

55 – This revelation has shocked Alex so much her eyebrows have tripled in shade and size:

56 – Didn’t Nikki say a few dates back she was not the kiss ‘n tell type? Well she’s now blown that out of the water.

57 – Speaking of water, meanwhile Mako Megan looks like Ursula stole her tongue ala The Little Mermaid:

58 – Cuckoo to the rescue! She’s grabbed some leftover blue velvet from the Spotlight folk and made a blue rose out of it.

59 – The look on Richie’s face is priceless. She is going, going, gone!

60 – Alex seems to have taken this ‘Undie Tuck / cut the front of your dress’ look to heart.

61 – Nikki, honestly, in a house full of women, yelling out that you pashed him and thinking there would be no fallout – is the equivalent of the ABS saying THE CENSUS WILL NOT BE HACKED ON OUR WATCH.

62 – I see they have spent all of the utilities budget on covering every inch of the Tuscan Villa with lights rather than trying to make the friggin’ fountain at the front actually spout water into the air.

63 – Lego Hair wishes them the best of luck then disappears to go string a few more bulbs up in a spot they missed.

64 – Gold for Russia!!!

65 – Did someone just say “good girl” to Special K-iki for getting through? It’s official then, harem brainwashing level at Complete.

66 – How can anyone hear him call their name with all their door knocker earrings weighing them down?

67 – Bingle once again all class, declaring she can’t handle this shizzle.

68 – Shut the gate 68, Noni B continues to bring home the bacon, whilst the cuckoo clock chimes goodnight for Eliza.

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